Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Realization

I went to Charlie's Mom & Dad's house tonight. We had dinner, watched a little t.v., did some visiting. It was nice.

However, this meant that I had to drive home tonight. They live on the outskirts of Ft. Worth..in Kennedale...basically several back roads...a couple of left turns...and your there. I am always super creeped out driving home. The shadows of the trees, the railroad tracks, the miles of salvage yards along the old highway....scary stuff for this chicken!!!

Yet, there is something entirely relaxing about it. Odd...I know. I'm alone, in a car, with nothing but my thoughts. Lots of soul searching on that 30 min drive tonight. While I know there is more searching left to do...I am feeling a little more secure with the fact that things are gonna be ok. And, confronting all of my problems isn't as petrifying as I thought it would be. I'm going to be alright.

I got a letter (well...email...does anybody send letters anymore?) today from a lady I used to work with. I had been to lunch with Mom and Megs, then got super depressed on the way home. I was nearly in tears when I got home, and when I saw her email and the kind things she said...I just broke down. It made my day to read that she missed me. That I was important to her, and she was worried about me. I am convinced that knowing that you are important to someone else is one of the best feelings in the world.

Charlie is going to be out of town this weekend. It's silly, but we are rarely apart from each other...especially for more than a day. I hate to think of myself as a girl that can't be without a guy...but it's amazing how dependant I am on him. He enjoys being needed, and I love his protective spirit. However, I know that I need to make more time for myself. I'm saddened by some of the relationships that I have lost over the past 5 years because he is so much a part of my life. I'm sad that I didn't make more time for more people, and I'm sad that no matter how many ways I tried to split myself...I couldn't make everyone happy.

Anyways, though I am a feeling a little weird about the seperation, I am really looking forward to the "me"time. Friday night is Barnes & Nobles....all by myself. I have a list of several things I want to pick up...and I am going to curl up in the chair all night ...and read and think and write..and maybe scrap. Saturday...I am going to do the "big sis" thing and cheer on some baseball and soccer games. Sat. night and I meeting up with an old friend. And Sunday...Church (by myself!) Maybe I will sit by someone I don't know...make a new friend :)

I'm telling you...that 30 min. drive did me good!

2 comments:

Emily Kate said...

What a good attitude you have! That's fabulous!

Amber said...

girl 30 minutes in a car can do wonders for me too. this is one reason why i totally heart the name of a band "dashboard confessional" what a great freaking name?!?!? not to mention a great freakin band!
i am tellin you now, make time for yourself. no matter how weird it might feel in the beginning. it was one of the things that ended my bf and my relationship. you can only spread yourself thin for so long before you snap. sooooooooo soak of that b&n and make a friend with yourself this weekend!! Hugs to you girl!